so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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