textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
