Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize