oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize