So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
