Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
