What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
