He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
