gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
