This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
