Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
