I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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