you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
