so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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