I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I party with great urgency now.
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