i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
