3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
