last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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