You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
