He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
