i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
