I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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