i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
