I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't deserve a penis
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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