i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
