I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize