I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
