We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
