he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
