Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
