What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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