Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i think my cat just said my name.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
