We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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