i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My balls are so social today.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
