Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
