its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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