Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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