you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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