I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
