dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
