things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
