wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
