Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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