Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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