i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
