U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
