I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
