i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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