I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
