would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Who died my cat blue again?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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