If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
