My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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