I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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