wanna go halves on a baby?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
