Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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