Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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