I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
