it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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